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The waiter came and my date brazenly ordered foie gras. And sadly, he was hotter in person."—Bri Pruett, comedian, straight lady "So I'm on SE Hawthorne, enjoying an early evening. The burrito came and it was massive—your eyes widened with joy.

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A FEW WEEKS AGO, the Mercury published a collection of advice and observations from some of Portland's most experienced and hilarious dating experts—a smorgasbord of dating questions asked, and answered ["Dating State of the Union," Feature, April 6].We defend all sex-related criminal charges in Washington and Oregon including: Call today to sit down with our attorneys to talk about your case.We have the experience to come up with a game plan to get you out of your charge.You shoved that damn thing so hard into your face that it seriously grossed me out."Shortly after your meal, we left and I drove you home. I left my lights on as a hint, but felt you were anticipating a goodnight kiss, if not more.When I asked if he wore condoms, he said aggressively, 'What? I got hit in the face with a slice of moldy pizza from a dumpster, and he helped me clean the grease off my face. But then they're like, 'I totally care about you, I just need to fuck other people, and you're not invited.'"—Anonymous "Okay, so I've never had good luck in love. One day in '08 (pre-app era), I tried internet dating. Then, before the entrée shows up, guess who walks in the front door? No, you can't make this stuff up, and no, it's not what you think. He didn't fight me, or even acknowledge my presence. The next morning, I dropped him at home and he said he would call me later. I was then told that disappearing date had stated I was the only person he knew in the area that he could remain sober around, and as a result could he be remanded to my custody until said date could be deposited in a drug treatment center on Monday due to parole violation.

I just thought, 'Wow, he's so sweet.'"—Sarah Mirk, author of Sex from Scratch: Making Your Own Relationship Rules "Some of my most interesting dating memories are from when my spouse and I were fairly new to polyamory. I picked up said date downtown at the federal prison—still in prison uniform—and then proceeded to take him to a family reunion campout for the weekend until he could be dropped off at the treatment center on Monday morning at 8 am.

We quickly realized that the story didn't end after reminding you that it's hard to avoid an ex in the bulk aisle of Whole Foods. And they are terrifying, true tales from the crypt.

In solidarity, I collected real-life dating stories from our panel of romance experts, as well as the Mercury's Portland Dating Dispatch blog, where anonymous locals stopped being polite and started getting real about seeking relationships and sex in Portland. There's not much hope for us, fellow singles of Portland.

Stevenson’s Public History program engages its majors in history projects that serve the community as well as local, state, and federal agencies.

Most recently, Stevenson students have assisted government agencies and been commended for their contributions to history by George Washington’s Mount Vernon, the Maryland State Archives, the City of Baltimore, the Maryland National Guard, and the Maryland Military Historical Society.

Sometimes our dates would be six or seven people, since I had another partner at that time and so did someone in the triad. We come to the epiphany that in this world, you gotta not care what people think in order to make it. ' and stands up, puts his hand down the back of his pants, and starts to dig around. Regardless, we barhopped for an hour or two, talking about mundane things and consuming more alcohol.