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The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person will call on toxic behaviour to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box they believe you belong in.It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy.
In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back.All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a decent, thriving human.The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow.When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be.Healthy people welcome the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a little to accommodate.We trust them, listen to them and absorb what they say.
There would have been a time for all of us that regardless of how mind-blowingly destructive the messages from our family were, we would have received them all with a beautiful, wide-eyed innocence, grabbing every detail and letting them shape who we were growing up to be.
Love has a fierce way of keeping us tied to people who wound us.
The problem with family is that we grow up in the fold, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works.
Our survival would have once depended on believing in everything they said and did, and resisting the need to challenge or question that we might deserve better.
The things we believe when we are young are powerful.
Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon.